I was the co-dependent people-pleasing girl who cared more about everyone else than I did myself. For as long as I could remember, I was chasing love. I did not know it at the time, but I needed my feelings to be validated by someone of the opposite sex.
Forgiving what has happened in the past
I am sure you heard the story over and over again. Daddy was never home, and mommy played both roles. From a young girl to a young teenage girl, I yearned for the attention of a male figure. As a young teen and throughout my twenties, each connection I thought, this is it. The kind of love I heard in love songs — the type of love I see in those sappy romantic movies or read in books. Prince charming is here to sweep me off my feet and give me everything I want and need.
Yes, I had several moments of passion, he came to my rescue, and we created a home with children. I also came to his rescue far many more times than I could count, I was an equal breadwinner, and I managed the kids and the home. The fact that I am divorced and a single-mother tells you that that thought process is unrealistic. Sometimes life happens, and things don’t always go the way you’ve planned it.
Lil’ Wayne said, “the heart was meant to break.” Through those heartbreaks, the lessons I’ve learned helped me to love myself unconditionally truly.
Face your insecurities head-on
I had to take a look in the mirror and celebrate what you see looking back at you instead of pointing out everything that you see wrong. How we speak to ourselves and our belief systems is vital. I stress changing your mindset and being a positive reinforcement in your life.
When you’re in that space of not feeling like you’re good enough, loving enough, sexy enough, or smart enough is when you need to start to appreciate who you are. You can improve yourself step-by-step, but I wanted to come from a place of compassion.
You are responsible for your emotional and mental state. You are responsible for my reactions to people, places, and things. It was time to take responsibility for your life.
Create boundaries and stick to them
I was the co-dependent people pleaser. I would give people more chances than they deserved because I was fearful of being alone, rejected, or participating in a confrontation. I had to learn to create boundaries for those who were close to me because they were the ones who always stepped over my boundaries far more than a stranger ever did.
Self-love is what is needed when you face adversity.
There came a time when I had to create space between family and friends because they were always pushing my boundaries. I am happy I did because there is way less stress in my life because of it. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
When I began to trust myself, everything in my life started to shift for the better. Of course, this didn’t happen overnight — it took time to develop the trust by listening to my intuition. I didn’t know that I had all the tools I needed within me for me to navigate through this life and manifest the life I desire.
Once I started to trust myself, I gained more confidence in knowing that I can make decisions for my life from a place of authenticity. I had to brutally honest with myself about who I am, where I am, and where I want to go. The veil of illusion was lifted from my eyes, and I stopped making excuses, and I stopped playing the role of the victim. I started to see myself and everyone around me for who we were.
Fool me once — shame on you. Fool me twice, and I won’t be fooled again.
Trust your intuition
I had to spend time alone so I can drown out the voices of others. When it got quiet in my own space, I turned into my thoughts and feelings. When the time came, I act on them.
It does require conscious knowledge of one’s character, feelings, motives, and desires. My body sends me signals and messages, so I tune in. It’s like when I walk into a room, and I can feel the vibe. I use those vibrations or messages to tell me if I can relax or I need to move. The more I tuned into my body, thoughts, and feelings, the better. The better I got at reacting and navigating myself amongst other people and places.
Self-love is the cure to self-healing
I understood who I was and transformed into who I wanted to become.
My daily personal affirmation is, “I Am Love.” I am more confident in how I navigate through challenges. Wisdom will provide you with more confidence to navigate through situations more easily. What’s best for another isn’t always best for us. Therefore, I recommend that you listen to that inner voice when it first speaks to you.
Once I gained confidence in myself and then my abilities, I didn’t shy away from opportunities as I once did in the past. Now, I take them on as if a challenge. I continuously compete with who I was in the past. I don’t compete with another.
So yes, I want to be in a relationship but not one that compromises who I am. I want a loving, healthy, and respectful companionship. However, I had to give that to myself first. I had to learn to appreciate all that I am and posses within me.
There is no greater or lasting commitment than the one you have with yourself.
Coming soon will be the book…
“F*ck finding your soulmate, find yourself” written by yours truly, Siedah Johnson.